publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Covid like
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down