Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious