Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
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I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.