Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.