Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Attacked by a mop.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real