Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
What about second breakfast?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
iPhone X
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.