Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what