[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid