Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
The Compass
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers