“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
😩😩😩
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.