When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.