A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary