[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
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You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?