British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
True?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”