How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Blew my mind.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
very niche meme I made
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Great game to play with friends