I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.