every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
This could be us but you eatin’
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever