The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.