Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
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Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Wednesday
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Our lord and savoury.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby