I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
greetings!
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.