I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was