“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.