Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.