most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.