my name is luke but my friends dont call me
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I can’t stop watching this.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
A double negative is a big no-no.
new record!
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder