[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Somebody’s lying.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My love language is deader than Latin
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.