“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
B
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.