went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do