me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.