“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.