The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My neck, my back, my…
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.