KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
i smell a pulitzer
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol