Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home