ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
The Friday File.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Sometimes? I’m slipping
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof