Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
You Might Also Like
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
english majors be like furthermore
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.