PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda