Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Digital security in Ancient Troy
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.