Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
You Might Also Like
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
accurate
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.