I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
💯😂
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off