me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I don’t think my car can fly
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.