wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.