Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I got soap in my shower beer again.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel