Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
This January has 47 Mondays
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen