I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
#parenting
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
🍛
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.