[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
m’lady
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey