barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
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COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.