I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Lmao 🤣
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Breaking news:
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.