Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Blew out my flip flop…
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*