ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.