A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
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“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
WHO DID THIS?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?